By Benjamin Goodheart
The hole: the bagel’s defining characteristic. The middle, a black hole for thought. It is the circle that separates the bagel from the fascists that lives inside Cousin Donut. I wholly believe this circle distinguishes the aware from the un-informed.
After all, is it not a hole that motivates us on a very primal level?* Do people not worship holes in any of their iterations? Well then, I put forth that I too worship an entity containing a hole. I bow down before the god named Bagel. Babble on about worshiping false idols all you want, but there is no idol more worthy than the bagel.
It’s certainly more satisfying than a wafer, am I right Catholics?**
Regardless, the hole is the soul of the bagel. It allows you to gaze upon its innards with a powerful subjectivity. Look on one side, you see tantalizing bacon. The other, a weird circle of cheese.
And how! You munch through the sandwich easily, but you pay more attention to one half than their other. Suddenly, you have the aforementioned cheese circle going rogue, ruining the weight distribution of your meal. Your response to this incident may vary. You may just eat the cheese solo, which is strange. You may rip the cheese off and continue on, holding your sanity like an adult. You may scream “fuck” continuously as you have a panic attack and curl to the floor—hypothetically speaking of course.
That’s the thing about the hole. It commands your attention. All holes do. Human holes. Wheat holes. Black holes. Even the word holy has the same phonetic root.
Holy hell a holy hole.
Pay attention to your bagel or you will fall into a grief-ridden hole. The relationship is not parasitic, but symbiotic. Give the hole your whole and the hole will give you its yeasty comfort.
You will be one with the hole. You will be the bagel; the bagel, you. Your god is you and you are your own god. That’s what separates the bagel hole from all the other wholes. This hole allows you total transcendental freedom. Be the bagel. Be your own god.
* We at Toasted Coffee Regular do not condone fucking your bagel. We do not not condone it. Frankly, we couldn’t give a shit. You do you, man.
** This is a joke because Catholics have a tendency to lean towards the conservative side of the spectrum. A “double entendre,” if you will.